So after all the chaos that was my regional moot court competition, the organizers decided to throw us a bone and invite us as an exhibition team. This meant we didn't get to actually compete, that we have to help bailiff other rounds, but that at least we got a trip to D.C. on the school's dime and it turns out we were the only American school to get an exhibition team invitation. I'm sure it has to do with how badly we felt shafted at regionals and this invitation was their way of trying to buy us off. Well, I have my price, and it is room, board, and a plane ticket.
Since we weren't actually competing anymore, I took the opportunity to get shit-housed a couple of times. My team "argued" against schools from Ethiopia, Mexico, and France. Our judges don't get told that we're only exhibition teams, so when they did find out, they were usually quite surprised that we weren't still in the competition.
The last night there, I ended up in a hotel room for a South American sausage fest. Chilean dudes, Argentinian dudes, Uruguayan dudes, 1 UK/French dude, me, and 2 of my female teammates. They were pieces of meat, I had the least attractive accent in the room. Our shuttle departed at 5 am, our flight was at 7:45. I was told I was getting "out of control." No teeth lost, no shirts torn, all luggage packed: win.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Presidential Elections Part 4.
After telling the Chief of the Sports and Entertainment Law Association that I was catching flack from The Machine about having so many posters up, he told me not to worry about it and to place the blame on him if any more shit came down the pipe. He told me he was originally planning on doing the same routine for some random 1L [which might have been hilarious if he would have picked someone with a low profile, something my penchant for whisky and flagrant comments precludes me from having around these parts], but when I told him of my mock anti-Canada campaign, he figured he'd run with it.
And he did not take kindly to the idea that the SBA would try to restrict his speech, or try to hold me accountable for his independent actions. I came out of the library and found this latest poster on the bulletin boards.
Well shit, if it wasn't on before, the Viceroy has officially been served.
By making fun of the process, I started something that has generated more interest in, and buzz about, the elections than they were ever able to muster on their own. I still think that's funny, but it's also sad and a bit of an indictment of how apathetic the student body here has become. And by paying attention to it, the SBA has only stoked the flames, should have just kept ignoring me.
And he did not take kindly to the idea that the SBA would try to restrict his speech, or try to hold me accountable for his independent actions. I came out of the library and found this latest poster on the bulletin boards.
Well shit, if it wasn't on before, the Viceroy has officially been served.
By making fun of the process, I started something that has generated more interest in, and buzz about, the elections than they were ever able to muster on their own. I still think that's funny, but it's also sad and a bit of an indictment of how apathetic the student body here has become. And by paying attention to it, the SBA has only stoked the flames, should have just kept ignoring me.
Presidential Elections Part 3.
So the shit has hit the election fan. My joke, my comical quasi-not-really-if-you-read-the-fine-print campaign is taking on a life of its own, ruffling feathers, creating confusion, stoking a little bit of drama, and otherwise raising questions about the SBA Constitution and potentially eventually free speech.
I get to school today and the Sports and Entertainment Law guys had placed about 10-12 posters, all bearing my name, around the school.
The SBA election rules state that a candidate can only have 4 posters total, and that a candidate is responsible for all posters bearing his name. Even if a 3rd party put them up, you are responsible for those posters because that person became your agent upon using your name, and those posters count against your total. A violation of this rule is grounds for disqualification from the race.
Well, I don't know a whole lot about agency law, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can become my agent by merely putting my name on the damn poster. If that was the case, and I was actually running, I would (on the sly) tell someone to put up 100 posters with my opponent's name, rely on the plain and ordinary understanding of the election rules, and request they be disqualified.
In any event, Darth President and his Viceroy (otherwise known as the officially unopposed candidate) are none too pleased with the posters that were put up on my behalf because they lack the fine print language making clear that I'm not actually running for President. The Viceroy has made clear that the joke has gone too far, that he considers me "in the race" and that I need "to play by the rules." I tried convincing him that playing by "the rules" was only important if I actually was running, which I'm not. He's irritated, frustrated because people aren't taking the system serious and that at how my "campaign" is moving beyond my direct control.
I found the problem in the SBA Constitution just now. The Constitution provides that eligibility for office is based on gathering 25 student signatures and a letter of academic good standing from the Registrar, and submitting both forms to the President before the candidate registration due date. "Write in" candidates are allowed, but they must have satisfied all the form-requirements of a regular candidate, and submitted the forms to the President prior to the commencement of voting. This creates an opportunity for anyone who missed the first deadline to still be eligible for office, and still be allowed to campaign, but their name will not appear on the ballot.
So the big fuck-up of it all is that Darth President misapprehended the SBA Constitution and assumed "write ins" could be added to the ballot, regardless of whether that person had submitted the proper forms or not. When the first vote was cast, and no write-ins had submitted the proper forms, eligibility was set and it was pointless to include a write in section on the ballot. I am Constitutionally barred from holding an elected office on the SBA, so is anyone else not currently listed on the ballot. But because they have so clumsily handled it, I am operating in this strange limbo where it is not totally clear (to them or most anyone else) whether I am allowed to have posters up or not.
Furthermore, I'm still taking this lightly, all fun and games for me. But if push comes to shove, it's total bullshit if they try to restrict a 3rd party's political speech, regardless if they act in my name or not.
I recognize that all of this is, to a large extent, petty, inconsequential, obnoxious, and silly. But it really only became that when the SBA started taking the joke serious and failed to realize that my "campaign" can have absolutely no real impact on the outcome of the election.
I get to school today and the Sports and Entertainment Law guys had placed about 10-12 posters, all bearing my name, around the school.
The SBA election rules state that a candidate can only have 4 posters total, and that a candidate is responsible for all posters bearing his name. Even if a 3rd party put them up, you are responsible for those posters because that person became your agent upon using your name, and those posters count against your total. A violation of this rule is grounds for disqualification from the race.
Well, I don't know a whole lot about agency law, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can become my agent by merely putting my name on the damn poster. If that was the case, and I was actually running, I would (on the sly) tell someone to put up 100 posters with my opponent's name, rely on the plain and ordinary understanding of the election rules, and request they be disqualified.
In any event, Darth President and his Viceroy (otherwise known as the officially unopposed candidate) are none too pleased with the posters that were put up on my behalf because they lack the fine print language making clear that I'm not actually running for President. The Viceroy has made clear that the joke has gone too far, that he considers me "in the race" and that I need "to play by the rules." I tried convincing him that playing by "the rules" was only important if I actually was running, which I'm not. He's irritated, frustrated because people aren't taking the system serious and that at how my "campaign" is moving beyond my direct control.
I found the problem in the SBA Constitution just now. The Constitution provides that eligibility for office is based on gathering 25 student signatures and a letter of academic good standing from the Registrar, and submitting both forms to the President before the candidate registration due date. "Write in" candidates are allowed, but they must have satisfied all the form-requirements of a regular candidate, and submitted the forms to the President prior to the commencement of voting. This creates an opportunity for anyone who missed the first deadline to still be eligible for office, and still be allowed to campaign, but their name will not appear on the ballot.
So the big fuck-up of it all is that Darth President misapprehended the SBA Constitution and assumed "write ins" could be added to the ballot, regardless of whether that person had submitted the proper forms or not. When the first vote was cast, and no write-ins had submitted the proper forms, eligibility was set and it was pointless to include a write in section on the ballot. I am Constitutionally barred from holding an elected office on the SBA, so is anyone else not currently listed on the ballot. But because they have so clumsily handled it, I am operating in this strange limbo where it is not totally clear (to them or most anyone else) whether I am allowed to have posters up or not.
Furthermore, I'm still taking this lightly, all fun and games for me. But if push comes to shove, it's total bullshit if they try to restrict a 3rd party's political speech, regardless if they act in my name or not.
I recognize that all of this is, to a large extent, petty, inconsequential, obnoxious, and silly. But it really only became that when the SBA started taking the joke serious and failed to realize that my "campaign" can have absolutely no real impact on the outcome of the election.
Presidential Elections Part 2.
My campaign is picking up steam. I received an endorsement from a student group: the Sports and Entertainment Law Association. The group is comprised almost entirely of 3L guys from the kickball team I play on, but that matters not! They have chosen me to endorse. They are 100% behind my anti-Canada platform. In addition to sending out a message to their email list, their President has created this magnificent piece of material:
I told the heir apparent that if I manage to scrap together 10 votes, I'm declaring a moral victory. He told me if I manage to get 10% of the votes, he's no longer my friend. Leave it to a Canadian to get huffy-puffy about democracy in action.
I told the heir apparent that if I manage to scrap together 10 votes, I'm declaring a moral victory. He told me if I manage to get 10% of the votes, he's no longer my friend. Leave it to a Canadian to get huffy-puffy about democracy in action.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Presidential Elections.
So SBA elections are going on now. Almost all of the positions are unopposed, save Vice President. While most of the position are inconsequential, SBA President actually packs some punch. Besides institutional powers such as appointing all Committee chairs, the President receives a big scholarship/tuition break. My friend is running unopposed for that spot, and he's a Canadian. Now I think he's running unopposed because most people either:
a) Don't care.
b) Don't think they can beat him.
c) Think he is the best person for the job.
I probably fall mostly into c). He gives a shit, he's competent, and he's been around the system for the past two years. That said, I was really disappointed that no one challenged him for the throne. In a ploy to exercise free speech, mock the system and the ridiculousness of so many unopposed positions, and to hopefully ruffle some feathers, I decided to run a mock campaign based solely on making fun of Canada. I have multiple posters that include a cross-out symbol of the Canadian flag, followed by a quote about or by Canadian, followed by my obnoxious and simple retorts.
Example: "Canadians do not like heroes, and so they do not have them."
a) Don't care.
b) Don't think they can beat him.
c) Think he is the best person for the job.
I probably fall mostly into c). He gives a shit, he's competent, and he's been around the system for the past two years. That said, I was really disappointed that no one challenged him for the throne. In a ploy to exercise free speech, mock the system and the ridiculousness of so many unopposed positions, and to hopefully ruffle some feathers, I decided to run a mock campaign based solely on making fun of Canada. I have multiple posters that include a cross-out symbol of the Canadian flag, followed by a quote about or by Canadian, followed by my obnoxious and simple retorts.
Example: "Canadians do not like heroes, and so they do not have them."
~George Woodcock,
That would be followed by, "Have a hero! Vote for _____ for President." I have others, they're not much better.
And in order to prove to myself that people fail to read the fine print, the word "President" is followed by "ially appointed Social Chair" on every poster. So really, I'm not actually campaigning to be President, I already know my friend is going to appoint me to Social Chair, but I am looking to get a few votes just for shits and giggles.
Below is a poster another friend of mine made me, that I am going to hang up tomorrow. I am not going to put any words on it, and let the image speak for itself.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
New Underwear.
I bought a couple packs of new underwear a while back. I had two size options 28-32, or 34-36. Now I think I comfortably fit into 33, I'm talking like not tight, but not gonna fall off my ass type comfortable. I own a few pair of boxers that are on the higher end of the waist-measurement scale and I can't stand having loose [note: that is how to properly use "loose," makes me want to puke when people use loose when they clearly meant "lose." No one ever looses anything.] elastic, and thinking maybe I'm not as thick in the mid-section as I've been hoping I'm not, I opted for the 28-32 option. And I don't mean opt like I bought one pair because I was in a pinch and needed clean boxers, I mean I bought six new pairs, which is essentially a year's worth of investing in underwear for me.
Not a great idea. I was too confident, too hopeful, and too vain to acknowledge that 28-32 is for the younger and thinner version of me. These sonsofbitches are so narrow that I have to wiggle and wrangle them over my hips. Sure, my waist may still be a 32, but my hips certainly aren't. So every morning I'm forced by dirty laundry to put one of these new pairs on, I have do a Van Damme esque dance, sans the face punches. And the legs on these things are ridiculous. I don't need an outrageous and obnoxious Jnco-cuff on my boxer leg-circumference, just a little breathing room, that's all I'm asking for. They became so unbearable that I actually cut slits up the sides in order to accommodate my apparently chub thighs. The proportion is all out of whack. And now I have tattered portions on my underwear and after a few more washes, I will likely look like a bum, a well bathed and properly groomed wearing-underwear-only bum.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Jello Shots & Butt Naked.
I went out last Friday and got absolutely hammed, torched, pissed as a fiddler's bitch type drunk. Note to self: jello shots are more dangerous than they look.
I remember getting on the bus. I remember bitching at some guy named Gomez for obnoxiously opening his latest amazon package in the seat next to me. I remember becoming best-friends-on-the-bus with Gomez shortly thereafter. I remember declining Gomez' multiple offers to buy me a drink as long as I went to the bar he was going to. I remember thinking I was getting hit on on the bus and feeling decent about that. I remember getting off the bus and walking into the show. And I even remember going into the crowd and dancing in the moosh pit, yes moosh, there was no moshing, only mild mooshing.
I don't remember giving my card to the bar. I don't remember leaving my card at the bar [only had $3 on the tab? you know you're drunk when you spend 3 bucks and still forget your card]. I don't remember punching my friend "right in the solar plexus" after he answered "yes" whenever I asked him, "are you leaving soon?" [I punch like I'm anemic, no worries there] I don't remember getting into the cab. I don't remember calling a rather sensitive girl friend "dipshit" multiple times, nor do I remember emphatically telling her she sucked at kickball. I don't remember making oatmeal when I got home.
But I certainly do remember waking up butt naked, with a splitting headache and next to a 1L only wearing her bottoms. Didn't get beat up, didn't have blacked-out sex, I'll chalk that up as a victory.
I remember getting on the bus. I remember bitching at some guy named Gomez for obnoxiously opening his latest amazon package in the seat next to me. I remember becoming best-friends-on-the-bus with Gomez shortly thereafter. I remember declining Gomez' multiple offers to buy me a drink as long as I went to the bar he was going to. I remember thinking I was getting hit on on the bus and feeling decent about that. I remember getting off the bus and walking into the show. And I even remember going into the crowd and dancing in the moosh pit, yes moosh, there was no moshing, only mild mooshing.
I don't remember giving my card to the bar. I don't remember leaving my card at the bar [only had $3 on the tab? you know you're drunk when you spend 3 bucks and still forget your card]. I don't remember punching my friend "right in the solar plexus" after he answered "yes" whenever I asked him, "are you leaving soon?" [I punch like I'm anemic, no worries there] I don't remember getting into the cab. I don't remember calling a rather sensitive girl friend "dipshit" multiple times, nor do I remember emphatically telling her she sucked at kickball. I don't remember making oatmeal when I got home.
But I certainly do remember waking up butt naked, with a splitting headache and next to a 1L only wearing her bottoms. Didn't get beat up, didn't have blacked-out sex, I'll chalk that up as a victory.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Falling Slowly.
Admittedly, I haven't had much time to see new movies this year, especially none of the recently critically aclaimed ones (i.e. Juno, There Will be Blood, or No Country for Old Men). But, one film I did make it a point to see was Once, and one song I had made it a point to download and listen to dozens upon dozens of times was Falling Slowly.
So I really didn't have much invested in who won what award, but when I saw that the Acadamy made a very stellar decision, I was quite pleased.
If you have not heard the song, please, for the love of all that is good, holy, and filled with love, take this opportunity to hear it done well.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
San Ho + "Mormons."
So the moot court competition did not go so well. My primary concern was that I didn't get blamed for our lack of progression, I was worried about choking - that didn't happen. The rest of my team was furious with the way things shook out, they left for home even though we all had 2 more nights on our hotel rooms.
Well shit, those hotel rooms were nicer than my bedroom, so I decided to stick it out another night. Fortunately, I had a San Jose homeboy who was willing to take me out on the town for the evening.
I don't recall everything. I know I started with whisky + sobe, switched to pbrs, helped consume a wee bottle of sake, then we went out. I don't remember ordering much, but I know the tecate rounds were firing off like machine guns at Normandy.
I stumbled into a cab, told brosif to take me back to the hotel. I had him hold my wallet while I withdrew funds from the hotel ATM. He told me it wasn't necessary, I think I assured him it was. I don't remember going to my room, but I woke up without puke on my shirt, so score one for the good guys.
And when I finally looked in my wallet a few hours later, there was a random ass number. No name, I'm not even sure it was a bird I was talking to. The area code is Atlanta, go fucking figure.
Now I'm in Utah, god damn this place is white.
Well shit, those hotel rooms were nicer than my bedroom, so I decided to stick it out another night. Fortunately, I had a San Jose homeboy who was willing to take me out on the town for the evening.
I don't recall everything. I know I started with whisky + sobe, switched to pbrs, helped consume a wee bottle of sake, then we went out. I don't remember ordering much, but I know the tecate rounds were firing off like machine guns at Normandy.
I stumbled into a cab, told brosif to take me back to the hotel. I had him hold my wallet while I withdrew funds from the hotel ATM. He told me it wasn't necessary, I think I assured him it was. I don't remember going to my room, but I woke up without puke on my shirt, so score one for the good guys.
And when I finally looked in my wallet a few hours later, there was a random ass number. No name, I'm not even sure it was a bird I was talking to. The area code is Atlanta, go fucking figure.
Now I'm in Utah, god damn this place is white.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Moot Court Shit Show.
So I'm pleased with my team's performance so far. From the sounds of it, the other pair of my took care of Stanford's ass in short order. My partner actually received a strong challenge from New College, I'm not really even sure who took that round. Moot court competitions are a funny little bitch like that. A school like Stanford has so much going for it that they don't need/want to invest in their advocacy program. Consequently, it is "student run" and 1Ls can apparently be on the teams. I wouldn't universally say that 1Ls aren't prepared for stiff moot court competition, but the reality is that if they haven't even completed their spring semester moot court program, chances are slim they've even received the minimum amount of guidance on how to structure an argument, how to deliver it, and how to carry oneself before the judges. New College on the other hand, chip on the shoulder I assume that they have, were very well prepared, knew the law well, and were able to simply and clearly present it to the judges. I'm left assuming that "schools with something to prove" are generally more geared to kicking ass at moot court competitions than T15 schools who really have nothing left to prove.
I think I may have been sharing eyes with one of the birds on the New College team, I dig sharing eyes with birds.
Besides all that mess, this competition has been a shit show as far as organization is concerned. I don't want to name names, so just let's just call him Fuckwad McTard. So Fuckwad, or Mr. McTard, was responsible on the execution of this event. He was able to secure about one-third of the required amount of judges, and a little better percentage of the bailiffs. This translated into all the team coaches having to "volunteer" as preliminary round judges. What the fuck is that? How fair is it to have coaches judging? Here's why that is retarded:
1. Familiarity with the Material
While there is certainly a variance in competence, some of these judges are clearly very invested in this competition. This translates into tougher questions that a regular judge, only familiar with the bench memo, would never think to ask. I'm not 100% opposed to tough questions, as I like the opportunity to shine, but still, not exactly kosher.
2. Incentive to Down-Score
Normally I might say, "well, that shit sucks, but at least it sucks for everyone." Nope, not the case here. Not all the rounds will have a coach participating as a judge. This might not mean much in the W-L columns, but it could mean a shit-ton when it comes to raw score tie-breakers. I don't want to bore you with the details, but I'll leave it at this: Coaches have an incentive to push other teams' score down in order to better the position of the team they coach in the event of a tie-breaker.
3. What the Fuck Happened to Being Anonymous?
So all the teams get told to show up to this meeting, an orientation thing of sorts. They tell us it will be our only chance to learn the numbers of all the teams, information which will not be released at any other point because "the information is confidential." So yea, it's so confidential that it makes sense to tell us at this meeting?
Before telling us the numbers, Fuckwad made sure to note: "are there any judges in the room? No? Okay, here are the teams..." Following the number reading, he asked all the coaches to stay after for a short meeting. That meeting was to tell all the coaches that they must judge, otherwise the competition might have to be cancelled.
WAIT A SECOND. Fuckwad made sure all the judges were out of the room before he read the numbers? But then decided to tell all the coaches that they needed to be judges? No Fuckwad, the room was not empty of judges, there were about as many judges as there are teams and you fail at life. I'm really dumbfounded at how McTard didn't realize that he was reciting team numbers to a group of people he was going subsequently ask to judge. Way to keep up that confidentiality asswipe.
I don't know man, I'm drinking some black velvet on the rocks right now. It tastes okay, I'll stop bitching now.
I think I may have been sharing eyes with one of the birds on the New College team, I dig sharing eyes with birds.
Besides all that mess, this competition has been a shit show as far as organization is concerned. I don't want to name names, so just let's just call him Fuckwad McTard. So Fuckwad, or Mr. McTard, was responsible on the execution of this event. He was able to secure about one-third of the required amount of judges, and a little better percentage of the bailiffs. This translated into all the team coaches having to "volunteer" as preliminary round judges. What the fuck is that? How fair is it to have coaches judging? Here's why that is retarded:
1. Familiarity with the Material
While there is certainly a variance in competence, some of these judges are clearly very invested in this competition. This translates into tougher questions that a regular judge, only familiar with the bench memo, would never think to ask. I'm not 100% opposed to tough questions, as I like the opportunity to shine, but still, not exactly kosher.
2. Incentive to Down-Score
Normally I might say, "well, that shit sucks, but at least it sucks for everyone." Nope, not the case here. Not all the rounds will have a coach participating as a judge. This might not mean much in the W-L columns, but it could mean a shit-ton when it comes to raw score tie-breakers. I don't want to bore you with the details, but I'll leave it at this: Coaches have an incentive to push other teams' score down in order to better the position of the team they coach in the event of a tie-breaker.
3. What the Fuck Happened to Being Anonymous?
So all the teams get told to show up to this meeting, an orientation thing of sorts. They tell us it will be our only chance to learn the numbers of all the teams, information which will not be released at any other point because "the information is confidential." So yea, it's so confidential that it makes sense to tell us at this meeting?
Before telling us the numbers, Fuckwad made sure to note: "are there any judges in the room? No? Okay, here are the teams..." Following the number reading, he asked all the coaches to stay after for a short meeting. That meeting was to tell all the coaches that they must judge, otherwise the competition might have to be cancelled.
WAIT A SECOND. Fuckwad made sure all the judges were out of the room before he read the numbers? But then decided to tell all the coaches that they needed to be judges? No Fuckwad, the room was not empty of judges, there were about as many judges as there are teams and you fail at life. I'm really dumbfounded at how McTard didn't realize that he was reciting team numbers to a group of people he was going subsequently ask to judge. Way to keep up that confidentiality asswipe.
I don't know man, I'm drinking some black velvet on the rocks right now. It tastes okay, I'll stop bitching now.
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