The reaction to my email regarding the SBA Party was loud and swift. While, to a person, all responding 2Ls and 3Ls thought it a great email, the reaction among 1Ls was almost the exact office. It's a good thing I have a bird right now and am no longer "in the hunt" for 1Ls, as I surely would have hampered my chances. Anyway, so the vitriol among the entering class was so strong that I became convinced that I had to send a second email to clarify the first one, and to mend fences as best I could.
Deciding to mend fences was not the easiest decision to come to. I was torn between that and responding with a long-winded way of saying, "shut the fuck up, you bunch of whiny runny cunts." The c-word probably would not have made the final draft, but the sentiment would have remained the same. In any event, I decided not to contribute to the escalation of animosity any more. Below is the response I formulated between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. while half-drunk on Black Velvet.
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Hello All,
I write today for two primary reasons:
1. Clarify any confusion as to what the SBA Fall Party involves.
2. Clear up any misunderstandings as to my previous email.
First things first, I will do my best to forego the bombastic language so as to avoid any confusion regarding my meaning and my intentions.
1. Explaining the SBA Fall Party
It has come to my attention that there are a few misconceptions regarding what the fall party actually is. It may first be helpful then to tell you what the party is not: it is not a formal dance that requires a date or fancy outfit, and it is not merely a Friday version of bar night.
The fall party is the big social event of the SBA calendar this semester. The SBA is for us, as in the "whole-student-body" us, and consequently the party is for us and our friends. We, the royal we, gather together as many people as are interested in spending time with each other. We talk, we drink, we dance, we drink, and then we repeat these activities in whichever order our individual volitions direct us. No more, no less. If you like your classmates, and you like going out to bars, there truly is no better way to combine these interests – unless you like drinking in class. But if that's the case, we need to have a whole other sort of conversation. Anyways, SBA Fall Party, it's a great time. Please come on out and enjoy.
2. Clarifying the Previous Message
It has also come (more clearly) to my attention that one striking characteristic of a cozy environment like ____ is how fast word can spread, how quickly it can reach interested parties. And through a variety of channels, it has been brought to my attention that my last message did not exactly win everyone over. In fact, I'd venture to say that some people even outright disliked it. Since I actually have that exact sentiment on good authority, it's not too long of a limb to go out on. I'm usually pretty risk averse anyway.
Well then, let me speak in no uncertain terms: it was a joke. Maybe you're thinking to yourself: "But jokes are funny." Fair enough. I thought that shit was hilarious. But then, I often laugh at my own jokes as my conversation-counterparts check out their shoes and figure out the politest way to leave.
Plus I get a big kick out of quoting movies and draping myself in egomaniacal language. So it goes.
Perhaps proper introductions are in order. My name is ____ – I'm the SBA Activities Coordinator. It may also be said that I'm the more nefarious element of the quasi-student group known as ________. I won't bore you with the details of the ________ right now. We have a myspace page, we have a facebook thingy, check it out if you like. The point is, I sometimes write emails. And they're usually long. And they're usually tongue-in-cheek mean. And they are always geared toward rallying a few students for some upcoming event.
And the short version of this is this: I don't want to trigger scuttlebutt. I don't wish to engender rumblings of ill will among the vox populi. It's sorta the exact opposite. I want many many many people to go the Fall Party. I'm a cheerleader for this school – I seriously effin' heart the place, the community, and I want it to thrive. There, I said it.
I did not mean to actually insult anyone. Yes, clearly, I took a few pot shots that could reasonably be interpreted as offensive. Wasn't the goal, wasn't seriously considered, and wasn't even fathomed. And maybe therein lies the problem – I failed to consider my audience. And once more, an introduction is in order: Hello, my name is ____. I am often seen roaming the halls of ____, having potentially inane conversations (ranging from "which Van Damme movies rules the hardest" to "what are the merits of the latest SCOTUS ruling" – realistically, I talk about Van Damme probably just as much as I do the Supreme Court), and I often look in need of a shave and a fashion coach. My humor is in large-part based on being a prick. I list Bill Hicks among my heroes. If you don't know Bill Hicks, and you're not going to the Fall Party, then I sincerely recommend you instead spend tonight downloading Arizona Bay, rocking some big canister-style headphones, and praying your brain doesn't implode from how ridiculously bad ass that album is.
Anyway, back to the point. Many of you don't know who I am. Consequently, I probably just seem like some useless jackass who writes preposterously long messages about parties (case in point). That might make me a douche, that might make me lame or immature, that might even make me a fratbag asshole.
Nevertheless, I sought to attract Party Participants and the irony is that I may have turned people off of the idea of coming to the Fall Party, despite my best intentions. Well that just sucks, especially since, you know, that's like the exact opposite goal I had in mind, hence the aforementioned irony. The first among us to discover the ability to time travel should go back to 1996 and tell Alanis Morissette that this situation is much more apropos for a hook.
So yea, I don't think I knew my audience. Mistake one. And I assumed my audience knew me. Mistake two. If this applies to you, it can all be changed by attending the Fall Party! Confront me. Call me out. Share a drink and a conversation. It'll be easy to spot me – I'll be the ugly-mugged douche in a burgundy suit drinking Canadian whisky like it's going out of style and making my mark on the night by mixing up self-congratulatory flattery with self-deprecating honesty, and laughing and smiling the entire time.
If you have any concerns regarding the _______, my emails, or anything else really, feel free to personally contact me. ______@gmail.com. I am more than happy to directly engage you on any of these matters, and truth be told, I'd prefer that to the back channels. In the words of another hero of mine, Tupac Amaru Shakur, "holla at me."
Once more, hope to see you all tonight! If not, have a great weekend. And again, it's late, apologies for any typos or errors. That is all.
B3.
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